Barbieland revisited

A non-exhaustive list of every* Barbie I owned, reviewed by me

I am about to share something that nobody asked for; a review of my own most prized Barbie’s. I am prepared to lose subscribers for this brave yet indulgent endeavour though I do promise that my Barbie post trilogy is now complete.

If this explains anything at all, anyone who knew me from the ages of 4-10 will tell you that I was obsessed with Barbie. The 1990s were the absolute peak of Barbiedom and I had been successfully brainwashed by the landslide of pink and blonde.

Unsurprisingly, the release of the Barbie movie has triggered something deep and primal within my brain. Like a sleeper agent, I have once again been activated and ready to serve both my plastic leader and my pink and sparkly urges.

My broad collection of Barbie’s was my most treasured possession even though it now resides in my parents loft. Not only do I feel compelled to give my two cents on the movie to anyone who’ll listen, but also to re-examine my own experience with Barbie.

Sadly I couldn’t fit them all in this newsletter - presumably because the people who own Substack DON’T want crazy women to write eccentric lists about their childhood toys - but I’ve done my best against all the odds.

Buckle up, because it’s going to be a nostalgic and bumpy ride in the Barbie Baywatch Jeep…

Glitter Beach Barbie

First up is this Barbie whose job just happens to be Beach. She is the definition of Barbie, or at least for me, because I’m pretty sure she was my first. I know this because her weird little stump feet had bite marks. If a trained psychologist wants to tell me why the urge to chew on a tiny stiletto was so strong, I’d love to know.

Pretty basic, Glitter Beach Barbie came with suntan lotion that had glitter in it. I can only assume they designed her to prepare us for that one friend who won’t go out in the rain in case her fake tan runs. Loses points for mixed messages about UVA protection, but overall a solid debut. 3/10

Sparkle Eyes Barbie

I distinctly remember getting this one for Christmas alongside the Crystal Horse and Carriage. This was long before laminate flooring was a thing so the horse would often topple over as it was not designed to traverse carpet. That however, is a another story for another day…

There’s not much to say other than her ensemble is absolute LEWK but it was also a 3 in 1 outfit - sustainable kween she is. Sparkly pink tulle, holographic bustier, and Elizabeth Taylor jewels complement the creepy crystal eyes that they decided to give this doll for no apparent reason. It’s giving ‘Jem and the Holograms’ meets ‘Children of the Corn’. 5/10

Hot Rockin’ Rockstars Ken

The only Ken I’ve ever owned. Even the original box is slightly depressing - hinting at his fate of eternal mediocrity, and the untold despair of potential unrealised. And yet, Rock Star Ken definitely lived up to his name. As the sole Ken in the pack, he was inundated with Barbie’s to not-kiss and scissor with when no one was looking.

He had a really cool glitter pink guitar (very hetero, I’m sure you’ll agree), and frankly there’s a Back to the Future 2 meets Lee from Steps kinda charm in his silver lurex trench, scarf, and vest. The mullet however prompted my little cousin to repeatedly protest that he was a ‘girl doll’ whenever I tried to make him play with Ken, which tbh is not very woke. This Ken was ahead of his time! But also an unapologetic slut*. 3 out of Ken.

*This is a joke

Cut and Style Barbie

Cut and Style Barbie is the ‘90s at its finest.

The premise was simple. You cut her hair and made it long again by way of a 12 inch weave that was still better quality than what you’d get at Foxy Locks. But it was all a rouse. You actually stuck it to a Velcro patch of her head that, in hindsight, looked kinda like an edgy undercut. I like to think an earlier prototype of this Barbie wore Docs and listened to Bikini Kill.

Because I was left handed, the cheap scissors meant that trying to chop her hair was unachievable for me - but also because I was too afraid to in case I ruined her hair forever. They might as well have used this doll to diagnose me with chronic anxiety right then and there. 6/10

Fountain Mermaid Barbie

Now we’re talking! I have internalised Fountain Barbie’s look much more than I realised. This doll was cool because you could take her in the bath or a swimming pool and, theoretically, her crown shot water. The execution of said mechanism left a lot to be desired but her iconic outfit and candy pink locks made her one of my long time favourites. Failed tagline: this Barbie SQUIRTS. 10/10

Foam N’Colour Barbie

If nothing else, the outfit is a serve. I do definitely seem to have a thing for Barbie’s where you do weird shit to their hair. If Bleach London did a collab today, I would still lap it up. 8/10

Steppin’ Out Barbie

Jesus, we’re not even half way and this already feels like a lot of Barbie’s. I had to work out if I actually owned this Barbie or just played with her one time. Still, I have a very vivid sensory memory of mindlessly stroking the velvety bits on her dress. I was a weird kid…

She has a timeless feel to her but there is something distinctly smug about her energy. Like she’d bitch about the other Barbie’s over brunch. I didn’t actually know what brunch was back then though, so she mostly just bitched while sitting on a stack of VHS tapes.

Jewel Hair Mermaid Barbie

Well, well, well. If it isn’t another mermaid Barbie. This one definitely upped the glamour stakes and 7-year-old me was helpless to resist the ‘shiny’.

The idea was that you stuck Velcro stars on her long siren locks so she became a glistening, beautiful jewel of the ocean - ready to lure men to their deaths. What people fail to tell you about these things is that Barbie hair has absolutely no longevity whatsoever and will tangle into a ball at the slightest breeze. That and the fact my nana accidentally got it caught in the hoover one day. I never forgave her. 7/10

Hula Hair Barbie

Just how many people work Beach exactly? Is there a Union at least? The colourful sunset hair was exactly as magical in person as it looks in this picture but the lack of accessories is still troubling to me. Pretty, but I feel history will most likely refer to her as Appropriation Barbie. 6/10

Workin’ Out Barbie

When I saw the press shots of Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling skating down Venice Beach, my body seemed to have an instant, in-built response that brought this Barbie to mind. The mesh leggings, the ponytail, and the Walkman (or is it a cassette player?) are everything. If this Barbie was released today she’d be running passive aggressive Zumba lessons and spin classes for her fellow huns. I still love her for selling the lie that exercise is enjoyable to little girls everywhere. 8/10

Pet Doctor Barbie

All the best people love animals and Barbie is no exception. This was my Barbie who really had her shit together, and had absolutely no time for my promiscuous Ken. She came with a cat, a dog, and a whole host of extremely detailed vet accessories. Alas, she never had a hair out of place and was far too normal and un-dramatic to truly fit in with my other hot mess Barbie’s. She has work in the morning you know… 5/10

Olympic Skater Barbie

Speaking of a hot messes… While undoubtedly the result of a pushy mother and a slightly cruel youth coach, this Barbie has one of the most amazing get-ups I’ve ever seen. I only just realised that she was released ahead of the 1998 Winter Olympics - how mad is that? (And also what is she worth now?!)

She even had the ability to ACTUALLY spin due to some hideous mechanism that attached to her waist. If I’d had a Russian ice skater Barbie, this Barbie would have I, Tonya’d the shit out of her. 9/10

Bedtime Barbie

What in the terrifying fuck is this? I was wracking my brains trying to place which of my Barbie’s wore an extremely old fashioned fuzzy pink nightgown and made an ill-advised Google search. It has now come screaming back to me in the most visceral way.

Things to understand;

1) Her eyes ‘closed’ when you applied warm water to them meaning that they were partially glazed over at any given time.

2) Her head and hands were plastic but her body was a soft, beige, fleshy, mound that allowed you to scrunch her into a ball at your own discretion - which is not at all disturbing.

The idea was that you could take her to bed with you, without her poking you with her pointy limbs. The irony, of course, being that she is pure childhood nightmare fuel. I clearly blocked this one out from trauma. Cursed ‘Linda Blair’ Barbie gets 1/10 and frankly belongs in the loft.

Sadly there is also no room to mention accessories such as the Barbie Motorhome (to quote my best friend: “I secretly wanted to kill you and steal it”) or the 3 in 1 Barbie house. Not only do I remember the full jingle for this both over 20 years later (that’s the power of capitalism for you), but I also accidentally fell on a garden parasol that came with one time, so maybe it’s for the best that we don’t go there…

Tell me which Barbie‘s you had and which ones you remember in the comments…

Special thanks to my husband for resizing all these images because I was too overwhelmed to do it myself. 🥲Please note that the images in this post are not mine and have been sourced from across the internet.