You’re not being rude

Unlearning what it is to be rude, one rudeness at a time

Chances are you’ve always been told that there’s nothing worse than being rude. Rudeness is a widely derived and unforgivable behaviour - a negative quality that should be quashed in all circumstances.

Overlooking that my lack of newsletters lately could be considered rude, I do feel, at the ripe age of 34 - and after some deep thinking - that rudeness is somewhat subjective. So-called social etiquette is a largely a ‘learned’ behaviour - and is often instilled as a means to prevent people behaving in ‘inconvenient’ ways.

I’ve shared some thoughts before that women especially are often raised to accommodate the needs of others being being ‘nice’, agreeable and not causing a fuss. And of course, if you also happen to be British, the politeness spiral is probably out of control.

So today I want to ruminate on some of the things I‘ve always been told are rude, or inappropriate, that actually aren’t that rude at all…

It’s not rude to…

Ask for what you’re worth

There’s a saying in the North East that ‘shy bairns get nowt’. It means that if you don’t ask, you’re even less likely to get what you want.

When I entered into the working world as a young, naive creative, it was ingrained in me that my hard work and talents would be enough to get me far if I was truly deserving. I would simply be noticed and any promotions, pay rises, opportunities and job offers would fall into my lap without me having to request them.

The thought of walking into a meeting with my boss and ASKING for these things, with evidence to back up my request, was completely alien to me, and yet so many of my male colleagues would do this without fail. But fairness isn’t always honoured and sometimes you have to get over the idea that this is begging - because the worst you’ll ever be told is ‘no’.

Even today I see people wince at the thought of negotiating a pay rise, as if it’s ‘greedy’ to want to be paid more for your expertise - or even just to pay your household bills. I’ve seen hard working people squeezed beyond the limits of their job description, but feel like it’s spoiled or ‘entitled’ to suggest they’re outperforming their role and deserve a promotion.

This isn’t about demands, it’s about asking for what you deserve and knowing your true value. And theres’s nothing ‘rude’ about that.

Saying what you really think

‘It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it’. No, I did not enjoy my meal at your restaurant that much. I’m not sure about this haircut. I don’t think you suit that colour.

Having a filter between your brain and your mouth isn’t a bad thing, but sometimes politeness can get in the way of expressing how you really feel, leading to some very annoying and strange situations.

It’s all about the delivery and not the content. Of course, it all depends on your comfort levels and relationship with the folks you’re talking to but having your own opinion is fine. So don’t be afraid to say that you hate the tapas restaurant your friends always want to meet at, or that you thought Napoleon was boring, or that you think your boss is doing some shady shit.

You can say all of these things in a way that’s not rude whatsoever.

Have a day off when you’re sick

Those of us scorned by the world of hospitality and retail will know the accusing tone from your manager when you had to call in sick. You’d mentally prepare a dossier of evidence to prove that you were actually sick at the inevitable ‘back to work’ meeting, only to be eyed with suspicion regardless. People would gossip about you like you purposely licked door handles to ensure your colleagues had a tougher day, or that you’d deliberately plotted so that your boss had to spend a precious half hour calling everyone in their phone book to take your shift.

I’d like to say other sectors are different, but the ‘sick day’ - even outside of working environments is still taboo. Unless your leg is hanging off, some people really like to highlight what an inconvenience it is when somebody else is off sick.

The truth is, you should be taking sick days. Why? They are there for a reason. Because rest is part of recovery - yes, even for a cold. Also, turning up somewhere when sick is gross, whether that’s to an office or brunch. No one wants your germs - go home. I promise you, it’s not rude.

Not reply to messages right away

In our ‘always on’ culture of WhatsApp, smartphones, and social media there’s an immense unspoken pressure to respond to things instantly. That horrid little ‘read’ receipt has a lot to answer for.

In the same way I chide my own parents for instantly leaping to answer their mobile phone in the middle of a restaurant , or almost breaking their necks running down the stairs to answer the door, I am going to chide everyone…

There is no rush. It is probably not that important. If it is, you’ll know about it. It’s not rude to not respond right away because you’re dealing with whatever else is right in front of you. Reply when you’re ready. It’s fine.

Send emails that aren’t ‘nice’

This one is mainly for my own reference. I used to get so wound up if I ever received a slightly curt message. ‘Omg do these people not have manners?! That message is SO rude.’

Obviously there are some unspoken signals of rudeness that hark back to the days of MSN. The ‘Kk’ without context. The single word replies and short sentences with a full stop at the end. ‘Regards’. But some of the time, it is genuinely just another persons communication style. They’re replying without thinking. They’re short on time. They just need to get the message across.

I have been guilty of spending endless hours refining ‘hard to say’ emails, fluffing them up with just the right amount of exclamation marks, passive language, the ‘sorry to bother you…can you just, if it’s not too much trouble…’ literary gymnastics so that I don’t sound annoying.

Then one day I had an epiphany. I am wasting so much time trying to sound ‘nice’, and ‘un-rude’ when all I need to do is say my piece and be polite.

From that point, it bothered me less if I sent a quick, uncomplicated reply, and received an equally blunt, quick-fire message in return. It was so liberating, and saved me HOURS of my life.

At the end of the day, people often ‘receive’ messages differently to how they were intended by the sender. Sure, miscommunications happen (that’s where clarification helps!) but it’s not rude to refuse to waste time over-worrying about what the person on the other end is thinking. They don’t care about your exclamation marks - so stop counting.

Like yourself

This one is a bit of a minefield admittedly, but the big assumption tends to be that if you’re in any way aware of your better qualities, you must be vain, arrogant, conceited, or some kind of narcissist.

Of course, this isn’t entirely true. Having self confidence, or indeed, liking yourself shouldn’t be seen as a negative. As RuPaul says: if you can’t love yourself how THE HELL you gonna love somebody else!?

You should be allowed to feel proud of yourself for your achievements, be satisfied if you’re having a good hair day, and fully aware of your own strengths, as well as your weaknesses.

There are people out there in the wild who truly believe that you are only as good as what other people say about you. To those people I say, you must have a very stable and supportive environment. If you don’t have those things, what do you do if NO ONE tells you how great you are? Do you just assume that you suck, forever?

Exactly. Liking yourself as a person is not rude. It’s the healthiest, most valuable thing you can do for yourself.

Things that ARE rude

• Double dipping - you know who you are

• Pushing in the queue at the coffee shop - I WILL fight you

• Checking your phone or talking during a movie at the cinema

• Listening to music or loud videos on your phone in public

• Not sending me pictures of your dog after mentioning your dog

• Failing to speculate on the elusive whereabouts of Kate Middleton

• Being an unnamed evil chocolate maker that lives in the walls at the Glasgow Willy Wonka experience.

• Placing your 16th century sword on the table at a family dinner party. (It is however fine to do this with any swords pre-dating the 16th century)

• Reminding Millennials that 2005 was almost 20 years ago

• Greeting your neighbours cat by exclaiming ‘Well hello stranger!’ When you see them. They do not owe you their presence.

• Challenging your uncle to a bare-knuckle boxing match at a summer barbecue

• Eating the last biscuit without first offering it to someone else, and then having an awkward prolonged exchange of ‘no, please you have it, I insist…’ while secretly hoping they choke on it

Well that’s all the unhinged craic I have for today. What other ‘rude’ behaviours do you think should be unlearned? I will also accept additional call-outs for legitimately rude acts that need addressing. Comment below.